Be festive and remind people that you haven’t skipped leg day once summer wrapped.
It’s that time of year when everyone—even the swolest of bros—has Halloween costumes on the brain.
You worked out and ate like a saint—all in secret!—so that you could show off your oh-I’m-just-naturally-athletic physique all summer long. And we’ll be the last people to judge you for it. The reward of those months of dedication should no doubt be the freedom to run around shirtless, feeling good about it, and fielding compliments.
But fall’s first chill is the swole bro’s mortal enemy, and Halloween is even worse: it’s the grand finale of your summer fun, the curtain call on shirtless escapades. But not if you choose from Halloween costumes that are, uh, optimized to show off your hard work at the gym.
So make this holiday your final hurrah before you have to start covering your six pack in layers of cashmere and topcoats till spring’s thaw. Here are the best Halloween costumes for the swole bro.
Zac Efron in Baywatch
Despite flopping at the box office, Baywatch was one of the summer’s most talked-about movies, and it’s easy to see why. It had beautiful women, ticked off both the action and comedy boxes, starred The Rock, and featured Zac Efron’s abs. If you have a body to match the former High School Musical star, we say pull out a red pair of trunks for a final trip to the beach. Bring a whistle on a necklace in case you need to draw any more attention to yourself.
A #Thirsty #Influencer
A strange, very right-now thing is people who wear very little clothing, take a photograph, put it on the Internet, and then get paid for it. This one is easy: make a cardboard Instagram “frame” (or buy one), wear the mall-brand knock-off of something that Justin Bieber would wear (no shirt though!), and broodingly look off into the distance for most of the night.
Much like vegans, you don’t have to ask if someone goes to Crossfit. They’ll happily tell you, whether you want to know or not. Slap on some swole-bro gym basics that you already have in your closet, and, yeah, that’s it. Bring a creatine shake with you for good measure and be prepared to talk to everyone around you about how you went beast mode on your squats today.
While Asahd Khaled is inarguably the best dressed toddler in the game (watch yourself, Prince George!), his most baller move is wearing very little clothing, as he does on the cover of his dad’s album. All you’ll need is a diaper, a gold chain, and some hair product to recreate the look. Plus abs instead of baby fat.
The Rock (in GQ, of course)
Oh, you got guns? Well, wear short-sleeve black T-shirt—a tight one—shave your head (or get a bald wig) and draw the GQ logo on that huge bicep of yours. And then walk around with your arm up all night, flashing a toothy grin. Bring a copy of our June issue with you, just in case anyone doesn’t recognize you. (They will).
Grab some sunglasses, a white T-shirt with a serious V-neck, and plenty of salt. Then make sure everyone’s steak—and heads, and torsos, and shoes, and hair—is appropriately seasoned all night long.
Milo Ventimiglia in This Is Us
Besides interminable crying jags it causes nationwide, the hit new show This Is Us is best-known for the fact that working-class dad Jack Pearson somehow has a full-time job and the jacked body of a Greek sculpture. Naturally the Internet has feelings about it, and they will about you, too, if you pull out the mustache and built physique for All Hallow’s Eve. You’ll be glad that people are checking you out, less so about so many people wondering just how the hell you (SPOILER) died.
The Babadook—a nightmarish demon with a penchant for jaunty headgear—was the most important celebrity coming out this year. (Sorry, Barry Manilow!) While the Babadook doesn’t technically have a body or wear clothes (he’s more of an accessory guy), so there’s no better way to celebrate his out-and-proudness than slathering your pecs and abs in black paint and contouring your cheek bones to the gods. Add a top hat and presto, you’re the manifestation of human suffering, but like hot.
The Swole Bro Costume that Never Fails: Abercrombie & Fitch Store Greeter
Now that the brand is officially abandoning its once-super sexy image, pretending to be the shirtless greeters who stood, pointlessly, at the store’s entrances, is not just thirsty, it’s ~nostalgic~.
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